Was a lad (easy). Now a dad to Daisy & Seth (less easy).

The Wanderer Returns (Every Flippin’ Night)


It all started with a *THUD*.

This was probably two months ago when we moved Seth from a cot into a bed. I’m not sure what the opposite of taking to something ‘like a duck to water’ is, but whatever the phrase… that’s Seth and his new bed.

In fact, he just can’t seem to get his head around the basic idea of falling asleep there and actually staying in the thing until morning. Surely that’s a fairly simple enough concept to grasp?!

At first, the problem was understandable; Seth had been so used to rolling around in his sleep that it was inevitable he’d keep rolling out of his bed.

We’d hear the nightly *THUD* and would go and check on him, to be faced with a sight like this!

photo 2(3)

The bed was low (so no damage done to the little fella) and he was totally disinterested by the whole thing, simply sleeping  through the debacle as we hoisted him back into his bed and tucked him in once more.

After a while, Seth got the hang of staying in his bed, but replaced his nightly ‘roll out’ with a much worse nocturnal habit…

WANDERING ˈwɒnd(ə)rɪŋ/ adjective the act of leaving one’s bed, travelling down the hallway and waking up ones parents at unthinkably selfish, hugely inconsiderate, horrifically-early hours of the morning.

(That’s the parental definition, not the Oxford English Dictionary!)

Everything you will read from here on in will leave you thinking ‘well Rich, you’ve kinda made a rod for your own back…’

I KNOW. Truly, I do.

The first night this happened we were fast asleep in bed. All of a sudden, from outside our room I heard someone breathing which was fairly disconcerting. Turns out it was our little bundle of joy(!), timidly peeking through the small gap in the door. Naturally we picked him up, plonked him back into bed and went back to sleep until the morning.

The next night… the same thing happened. It’s 2.15am and The Wanderer has returned. This time, he is less willing to go back into his bed.

My wife and I looked at each other; without exchanging a word we both knew exactly what the other was thinking.

‘First night is a one-off. Handle the second night badly and you’re screwed.’

I went to pick Seth up and he started crying. Daisy was asleep in the next room, if she woke up it would spell disaster. My wife took over instantly.

(I always know things are serious if my wife deems it necessary to cut me out of the parenting responsibilities!)

After ten minutes of remonstrating with him, Seth finally dropped off to sleep in his bed.

The next few days and weeks followed a pattern that – in hindsight – was obviously going to happen. Ten minutes turned to twenty minutes. Twenty minutes turned into thirty minutes. Thirty minutes turned into my wife lying in the bed with him until he dozed off.

And so the escalation continued.

After a while, Seth knew that if he came into our room at night and walked up to my side of the bed (which is nearest to the door) then he wouldn’t receive a warm welcome. Instead, he started tip-toeing past my side and walking to the far side of the room to go straight to my wife. The kid’s not stupid; he knows he’ll get far more sympathy from mummy than daddy.

One night, my wife was in such a deep sleep that he woke her up by manually lifting up one of her eyelids as she slept. Imagine having one eyelid gradually lifted up by a toddler whilst the other remained shut. My poor wife.

And things have got worse. Recently, because quite frankly we can’t be arsed getting out of bed anymore, he’s been coming into ours.

I’d say he’s in there at least every other night at the moment as you can see from the picture (taken at 3.35am).

photo 3(2)

And he always seems to make his way over to MY side of the bed. I spend my nights squished up, hanging off the side of the mattress, clinging onto any remnants of duvet that might still be within grabbing distance, shivering my way through the deepest, darkest hours of the night until dawn. If I try to take him back to his room, he cries.

And, as always, we don’t want Daisy to wake up.

If you look at the picture, it’s his recklessly swung, outstretched arm that pushes me further into the abyss.

I’ve got to hand it to Seth; the kid is a GENIUS! He’s managed to negotiate his way into our bed whenever he wants. Not only that, it’s not just him. There’s an array of paraphernalia that accompanies him. Teddies, blankets, dummies… you name it. My wife and I are now separated from each other in our own marital bed by aisle 14 of Toys R Us!

I went for a coffee with my mum the other day and mentioned the situation. She responded with “I’m not sure it was a good idea to let him stay in your bed that first time”.

Thanks mum. Super-helpful.

And when I do manage to get into the bed and try to nod off, I have about an inch of air between the two of us.

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If the close proximity between us doesn’t make it difficult enough to drop off, then the constant sniffling, snuffling, spluttering and shuffling guarantees that I’m in for a shocking night’s sleep.

However, there’s a sort of catch to this situation. As angry as I get and as claustrophobic as I feel, every so often he rolls towards me and that loose arm of his (that bugs me so much) falls onto my chest and instinctively he snuggles up to his old man.

It’s the best. I instantly forgive him. And every time he hops into our bed, I secretly hope we’ll have that special moment together.

I know eventually he’ll grow out of this phase, as he has with every other phase he’s been through, and although it will mean a swift return to unbroken spread-yourself-like-a-starfish-in-the-bed sleeping… I’ll miss those cuddles.

What a soppy sod I’ve become…


Author: lad2dad

Dad to Daisy (aged 5) and Seth (aged 3) & Honey (aged hardly anything at all). And I chat on the radio for a living.

10 thoughts on “The Wanderer Returns (Every Flippin’ Night)

  1. Rich, this might sound that a horribly basic suggestion, so forgive me if you’ve already tried it, but what about a baby gate across his bedroom door? Stopping him escaping?! My Husband and I feel your pain, our little girl has only been at nursery for 2 months and I can’t honesty remember her not having a cough/cold/tummy bug… That wakes her up in the wee small hours… Loving the blog…

    • Hey Danielle! Glad you liked the blog! So… I just personally (and like all these things they are personal) don’t like the idea of him not being able to get out of his room so we haven’t put a gate up. I’m sure it will get back to normal sooner rather than later…! X

  2. They do grow out of the phase. Just expect the phase to last a few years. No, honestly. Between our two boys, there were three of us in our bed for approx five years. I will never forget that first night of waking and neither of them being there. Pure. Utter. Bliss. And, I can see, like us, you have a toddler bed, so no hope of some bed swapping to get some proper kip……. I feel ya Rich, I really do

  3. Hi rich love your blog makes me smile and i remember the fun nights with my two both piling into our bed! The cuddles are great and he will grow out of it so enjoy while you can. Mine is 24 now but i still look forward to a cuddle when he comes for his sunday dinner!! 🙂

  4. This made me smile, we’ve all been there Rich! My daughter is such a shufflebum that if she gets in with us for any reason I last about two minutes before I leave my husband to it and sneak off in to her bed. I hope Seth gets the hang of sleeping in his own bed soon and if not at least you’ve got all this lovely evidence to embarrass him with in later life 😉

  5. Just give in now, purchase a super King sized bed and get used to the fact that your little boy will always win. They know exactly how to play you 😉

    He will eventually outgrow it and then you’ll miss the nighttime snuggles xxx

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